But while watching that young girl, I can’t help but think, awww how innocent. Other memories came back to me vividly. Like, there was this time I collected newspaper clippings of Spice Girls. And slept over one friend’s house to listen to the Spiceworld album.

And then there was this time I bought all those All Saints tapes and rapped Never Ever (God, why am I admitting this?) over and over. I was really good with words, I think because I memorized the Apostle’s Creed  along with  the Boyzone song “Words” (I was maybe 8 or 9). I thought Stephen Gately had the cutest face of them all.

But before I wrote off my dad and brother’s old school rock albums to develop my pop tastes, before Celine Dion, before I even learned the multiplication table up to times 12, and before I worshiped anyone else… there was the MTV for Quit Playing Games with My Heart. Ah, the Backstreet Boys. It is better to put in Tagalog what I feel about them: sila ang nagmulat ng aking kamalayan.

The classic raining scene in that music video will remain forever etched in my memory. Even if I cringe at it now, my love for Brian will remain. Back then, I was aware that Nick Carter was relegated at the back of the video during the rain scene, and his shirt was visibly unbuttoned. The years taught me he would look sickly beside his macho, gyrating bandmates under the artificial rain (I appreciated the gyrating years later, though).

And then there was also that ultimate fantasy… I think I prayed for it every night after watching “Quit Playing Games…” on MTV: “Oh my god, sana magpunta sa Pilipinas ang Backstreet Boys! At masiraan yung kotse nila sa tapat ng bahay natin! Ay sana mag-tao po si Brian!” *faint* (yes, I am one of the rare species in the 90’s who happen to know that there were other BSB members aside from Nick Carter).

Ah, childhood. Ten years from now when you discover his face in your time capsule, you will audibly exclaim, what was I thinking? You didn’t think. You just felt.

My Ultimate Childhood Crush. Hah!

I’ve been here for two days now and it feels like floating in a dream, you know, when you’re up flying, watching the world below. I don’t have the strength to do anything. There’s no feeling of wanting to cook, something I’ve missed since I ran out of stove gas in my place two months ago. I don’t want to draw. Or read. I just want to lay down. I tried waking up earlier than 8, but only after today was I successful. I’ve been meaning to jog but I’ll wait until I wake up at 5. Tomorrow I hope to wake up at 5.

I’m trying to soak up the fresh air here. In the city, I never tried inhaling deeply unless I’m inside my room. I feel sorry for the kids who grew up with black smog as atmosphere. Maybe I’m oxygen-deprived. My head has this quiet ache for the last two days. It isn’t throbbing or stabbing, it’s just there. I need oxygen and a better place to live. I like Laguna, but our house, this one where we grew up in, has accumulated a lot of bad vibes. I don’t know what to do.

A histology slide where I was looking for subcardinal anastomoses but found a heart instead.

God likes practical jokes, some rather depressing, but is actually funny once you get the whole picture.

When I applied for medical school (late, well, veeeerrrry late), I ended up on my second choice. Which turned out to be blah. Oh, shit, I wasted a year but look where it got me! On 2nd choice! I’m not saying everything’s horrible; the professors here are great, the teaching is great, but—- I just don’t like the other students. They’re too private school spoiled.

So there I was conferencing with my mother on whether I should transfer or not, and then suddenly,

I fell in love.

Hindi ko sine-celebrate ang birthday ko ng isang araw lang.

Dahil kapag January…
….forever and ever akong masaya.

Because it is my BIRTHDAY MONTH!

Nung fourth year high school, may nagbigay sakin ng flowers nung birthday ko na hinayaan ko lang na nakakabit sa aking desk for the whole month of January. Teka wait, hindi ata sa desk ko. Sa likod ng upuan na katapat ng inuupuan ko. Anyway, kahit hindi talaga isang buwan nakakabit yung bulaklak kasi nalanta na agad, sinimulan ng pangyayaring yon ang isang ritwal para sa aking sarili. Ang isang buwang celebratory mood sa aking…

…BIRTHDAY MONTH!

This year is extra special naman, dahil may nakilala ako na pwede kong hawahan ng aking celebratory mood sapagkat—- BIRTHDAY MONTH nya din and January! Yeah! Tamang tama! Mahirap i- maintain ang enthusiasm given na babalik ako sa Far Far Away at sasabak ulit sa pagpapakadalubhasa sa larangan ng medisina. Ipagpatawad nyo ang pagti-twist ko ng kasabihan, dahil sa kasong ito: “festivity (ngek) loves company.”

———-
(Lame plug) Naalala ko ang bithday site na ginawa ko para sa isang kaibigang maswerteng nakatakas mula sa pagbo-blow out ng barkada. Bakasyon ang birthday nya.

He did not text that day. Apparently, he was busy. Running the five kilometers all day perhaps? I did not want to be a bitch about it; besides, I am the type who thinks I should play it cool. In other words, I did not text him either. Later the drama queen got the better of me so that night my Facebook status was changed to pleading and whiny. It was pathetic. So much for playing it cool.

Approximately ten minutes after posting, I received a condensed text message chronicling his day and asking how mine was. Playing the diva, I ignored his text and proceeded to bed. The next day passed without a message from him. I wasn’t about to start texting though. I felt funny and sad about expecting every freaking message to have his name on it. The next day, I heard from him again.

Me: Yes, I was too busy thinking about how busy you were to not have time to tell me how you are blah-blah-blah

Him: (Explain. Explain. Explain. Apparently he had other activities that day aside from the Run and had been waiting for my messages. Since he didn’t receive any, he was upset. He got even more upset when he read my Facebook post because I was insinuating his insensitivity. If I only knew how much he thought about me…)

Me: I am not used to clinging and texting someone first. Blah-blah-blah

I was half expecting him to apologize four or five attacks later, but it came right away. He was sorry for this and that. I was likewise repentant. Between the two of us, I am the God of War. Little fights are inevitable, but then, little fights are supposed to happen in relationships.

Oh, yeah, you’re right. The most we said to each other is I miss you.

So…

Am I in a relationship already?